


It gets worse before it gets better

by imusuallyobsessed



Category: Rogue One: A Star Wars Story (2016)
Genre: Alcohol, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Bad Decisions, Cocaine, Divorce, Drugs, F/M, Human K-2SO, It's hard to explain, Jyn's in a drug haze and says things, Mentions of Suicide, and other bad decisions Jyn makes, but not really?, mature because of drugs
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-08
Updated: 2017-02-08
Packaged: 2018-09-22 23:18:42
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,876
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9629528
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/imusuallyobsessed/pseuds/imusuallyobsessed
Summary: Maybe this time she wouldn’t be able to put herself back together. Maybe that wouldn’t be so bad.If she was already broken, nothing else could break her.





	

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [Before It Gets Better](https://archiveofourown.org/works/9618755) by [guineapiggie](https://archiveofourown.org/users/guineapiggie/pseuds/guineapiggie). 



> Heyyyyy I said I wouldn't go down the Rogue One hole, but then I read this really heartbreaking and tragic divorce AU and found myself writing this. It's dark, sad, and I love it.
> 
> Inspired specifically by Before It Gets Better by guineapiggie, but as a whole also inspired by the [Where's My Love series](http://archiveofourown.org/series/647618) by randomdreamer01. Go read them and be sad with me.

_It gets worse before it gets better._

Jyn could still remember every empty, cliché phase Cassian had said to her over the phone. It had been too long – she shouldn’t remember it all so clearly – but it was hard to let go of the beautiful, clear sound of his voice in her ear. It was the last time they’d spoken on the phone when she was sober.

Maybe this was her _worse_. Maybe it would get better after this.

As Jyn gazed around the club, she wasn’t so sure.

Neon soaked the space, dripping over velvet booths, the glittering platform where dancers writhed, and the expensive clothes the patrons wore. EDM pumped through the speakers, washing over her and making her feel insulated by heavy basslines and white noise. Jyn wasn’t the only woman around, and she wondered if she looked as empty and vacant as the others.

She _felt_ that way.

It was the end of her most recent job. She’d met the client at the club – the Cantina, originally enough – for the money exchange. He’d invited her to stay and enjoy herself, but Jyn knew it wasn’t a request. Her job was weird like that. She lurked in the shadows, doing whatever her clients needed, and then they wanted her to stick around after it was over.

Maybe it was her pretty face. Maybe they did this with everyone. She never asked.

Looking around again, leaning back listlessly into the dark red velvet booth, her thoughts flickered to Cassian.

Like always, the memory of him hit her like a hammer to the chest.

This was why they ended, wasn’t it? She’d lied to herself – they were too different, they never made time for each other – but she knew the truth. It was her fault. She was a fuck up, she couldn’t get over her issues, and Cassian finally had enough.

Really, she should’ve been expecting it. He left, he filed first, but she couldn’t blame him. That was just always what happened to Jyn. Something about her pushed everyone away – her father left, her mother chased after him, and they both died. Saw wasn’t a memory she ever wanted to dust off. Since then, it was just an endless string of people floating in and out of her life.

As soon as Cassian started spending so much time at the precinct, she should’ve known. It wasn’t the case keeping him away – it was her. It had just taken him a while to finally tell her.

“You look like shit,” a new voice said. Jyn moved her eyes to the person standing off to the side of the booth she was draped across. It was a woman, beautiful in a generic sort of way. A few more moments of observation let Jyn see the familiar things she once saw every time she looked in the mirror: gaunt face, sharp collarbones, haunted eyes, twitching hands.

“Thanks,” she replied, monotone.

The woman smirked and reached inside her tiny, bedazzled clutch. “Your… boss, I think he was, sent me over with this for you. Said he was so impressed he decided to throw in a little extra,” she said, pulling out a small baggie full of white powder.

Jyn’s green eyes zeroed in on the bag. Cocaine was a habit she kicked a long time ago, but since she and Cassian… _ended_ … she was finding the siren’s call harder and harder to resist.

Realization hit her like a truck. Why even try? What was the point? She wasn’t married to a detective anymore. She wasn’t married anymore, period. No one would be waiting at home with disappointed eyes and a stern mouth, waiting until morning – until she was sober – for a lecture. No one was waiting for her at all. Baze and Chirrut were gone, Bodhi was away at special training for a week, and Cassian… Well, Cassian didn’t care.

_Bodhi, you have to stop calling me about Jyn. We broke up. I can’t help her anymore._

She’d heard him, somehow. Bodhi thought she was passed out on his couch, and she almost was, but she heard Cassian’s voice through the phone. That was what finally gave her the push to take this job. She’d tried to get out of this life, but none of her reasons mattered anymore.

Jyn sat up and reached out. The woman set the baggie in her hand with a sly smile. “Hope you enjoy. It’s good stuff,” she said, and her massively dilated eyes told Jyn she knew from recent experience.

“Thanks,” she said again, already pouring out some of the powder and cutting it into several small lines.

She was so focused on her task that she didn’t see the woman leave. She wasn’t aware of anything, really. The pulsing music dimmed in her ears. Her entire focus was on what she was about to do.

Her hands were shaking as she rolled up one of her freshly-acquired $100 bills – gross, but it was all she had. She was torn for a moment. She’d worked so hard to put this behind her, should she really throw it all away?

But then she saw Cassian’s face, clearly heard his _I can’t help her anymore,_ and she could hardly take the pain. The weight on her chest was overwhelming, suffocating, even with the tequila coursing through her. The alcohol wasn’t enough. The mind-numbing music wasn’t enough. It hurt, it hurt _so much_ , and she wanted it to stop.

She bent over and inhaled.

Gently, that was the trick. Not a massive snort like in the movies. It felt natural, easy, like she’d never stopped.

Ten minutes later, she was flying.

Euphoria chased the killing weight off her chest, banished all thoughts of Cassian and the past six months. No, even more than that. Jyn felt like the coke waved away _all_ the pain – which definitely started before Cassian. He was just the latest in a long line of heartbreaking tragedies that shattered her.

Maybe this time she wouldn’t be able to put herself back together. Maybe that wouldn’t be so bad.

If she was already broken, nothing else could break her.

Suddenly restless, Jyn got up – makings sure her money was still safely in the inner zip compartment of her bomber jacket – and made her way through the club. Her hips swayed almost absently to the music, and she wasn’t sure where she was going but another shot of tequila sounded good.

“ _Tantas curvas y yo sin frenos_.”

But that sounded better.

Jyn turned toward the voice, her eyes catching on the tall, taller than Ca… Kay, dark and handsome man leaning against the wall. His dark, dark eyes were glued to her. Once she turned, his gaze slowly moved down her body – so heavy she could practically feel it – and returned to her face.

She was never the best at learning languages, but Cassian spoke a lot of Spanish. Even to Jyn. The moments he’d used it, though, didn’t really require knowledge. It was all in the context.

That’s how she knew this guy was coming on to her.

Feeling bold, she sauntered up to him and leaned in close – but didn’t touch. The space between them sizzled, and Jyn wanted to get burned. Why not? Maybe that way she’d feel something other than miserable, fucked up, _wrecked_.

“Funny, my boyfriend used to say the same thing.”

It was easier than calling him her _ex-husband_. It didn’t make her feel like she was dying.

“Used to?” the man asked, and Jyn didn’t even bother to control the slow, predatory smile that took over her face at the sound of his accent.

“I don’t see a boyfriend,” he continued, pointedly glancing around before looking back at Jyn.

“I haven’t seen him in a while, either. He’s… _firmly_ out of the picture,” she said, her hand reaching up to slide down the man’s chest.

His eyes somehow became even darker, swallowing the bright neon lights.

“I know a place,” he murmured, bending closer and speaking right into her ear.

“Fast. No names.”

“ _Perfecto_.”

It was quick and dirty in some dark, small room Jyn didn’t even bother to catalogue. The wall was clean, and that was all she cared about as the man picked her up and slammed her against it. The friction between them made her even hotter, sweat clinging to both their brows, and when she closed her eyes and he whispered into her skin she could almost pretend it was Cassian.

After, they straightened their clothes and the man left with a wink.

Jyn didn’t know what to feel, leaning against the wall. She felt like she was in a vortex, insulated from what happened, but she wasn’t. In the drug haze, the ache in her muscles was distant, but she’d feel it in the morning. It had been a while since she’d been with anyone.

Instead of feeling better, more relaxed, her stomach heaved and she felt disgusting. Dirty, cheap. _This_ was why Cassian had left. This girl – this version of Jyn – wasn’t as far from the surface as she thought. Cassian must have seen it before she did and left before she got any worse.

She couldn’t blame him. He was right to leave her. She’d only bring him down in the end.

Her phone rang, startling her, and it took too long to answer with her fumbling fingers. Somehow, she managed before it stopped. “Hello?” she croaked, not even bothering to check the caller ID.

“Jyn?” a familiar voice asked, and her knees almost gave out.

“Chirrut, hi,” she said, trying to sound more normal – less high, less destroyed, less _herself_ – as she left the room and slipped out a back door.

It was freezing outside. Winter, almost Christmas. Jyn wasn’t dressed for the weather, but she didn’t care. She could barely feel the cold anyway, and she liked how her breath fogged up. Like a dragon.

“Hi,” he replied, sounding out of sorts. Chirrut was usually calm, collected, and unruffled. Something must be wrong.

Jyn saw a roof access ladder out of the corner of her eye and decided – on a whim – to start climbing. It was hard one-handed, but she managed.

“What time is it in China? You usually don’t call out of the blue. Is something wrong?” she asked, losing the fight with her voice to sound normal halfway through. It was too hard and she just didn’t have the strength. Once she reached the flat roof, she went to the middle and plopped down. Her limbs were spread out like a starfish – the phone on speaker by her ear – and she watched the stars. In this city, wherever it was (yes, she’d forgotten, irresponsible disaster that she was), she could actually see a few and started picking out constellations. The gravel was uncomfortable, but that thought was distant. Nothing hurt right now.

“Are you alright, little sister?” another voice asked, and Jyn grinned at the sound of Baze. Always more straightforward than his husband, but they were a perfect match. Two of a kind. Like she and Cassian were.

No. That was a lie. Like she _thought_ she and Cassian were. Obviously, she’d deluded herself.

“Never been better,” she said, breathless for no reason as everything from the past few years of her life began to unfold. “I finally figured it out.”

“Figured what out? Jyn, you don’t sound like yourself,” Chirrut said, obviously having taken the phone back. Jyn could imagine them in their beautiful house in China, huddled around the phone on speaker, their brows probably drawn with worry. They had no cause for concern, she knew, and rushed to explain.

“I finally figured out why Cassian left. It all makes sense now. _Everyone_ leaves, and I’m the only common denominator. It’s _my_ fault. Papa, Mama, Saw, you two, Cassian… it’s only a matter of time before Bodhi does, too, I guess,” she said, unable to muster up the proper despair she felt at the thought of being totally alone again. It was how she should be, she thought. Isolated, unable to ruin anyone else.

“Jyn… Jyn, _no_. That’s not true at all,” Chirrut rushed to say, but Jyn waved his excuses away. Even though he couldn’t see her. It felt necessary.

“Don’t feel bad. I don’t blame you guys. I’m _so_ happy you’re kicking ass and taking names. It’s best you two left first, honestly. You’re both so happy together. I’d hate to drag either of you down,” she said, sincere. They’d gotten away from her before it was too late. Good for them.

“Jyn, where are you? Let me call Cassian – ”

“ _No_.”

She didn’t shout, but she might as well have. Her voice was heavy and lethal as a bullet.

“He doesn’t care,” she continued, her voice trying for lightness again but it was more like a sinking feather. “ _He said so. Bodhi, you have to stop calling me about Jyn. We broke up. I can’t help her anymore._ That’s what he said. He won’t come. He doesn’t care.”

Chirrut and Baze both started to speak, but Jyn could barely hear them. “It’s good, I guess. He’s getting away, too… Hey, what if _I_ just went away?” she asked, the epiphany striking her sudden and bright. So bright it made her gasp.

“No, no, Jyn just wait. Baze, _call Cassian_ – ”

“It’s the perfect plan,” she continued, unhearing, as she got to her feet and walked to the edge of the roof. The ground wasn’t far, but it looked hard from up here. She couldn’t look away.

“No one else would have to leave. Cassian and Bodhi can stay in the city. They can be friends again without me between them. You two can come visit and it’ll just be perfect. _I’m_ the problem, so I should just… go.”

“Jyn! Where are you? You have to tell – ”

“But I’m tired,” she said, looking up from the entrancing ground and turning back to the middle of the roof. She laid back down, transfixed again by the stars. Oh, there was Pegasus. Maybe she could just fly away with him.

“Please, Jyn, just – ”

Chirrut sounded _frantic_. Baze too, in the background. Why did they sound so worried?

“I think I’m going to sleep on it. Don’t make big decisions when you’re sad,” she said, giggling at her words for some reason. Another cliché. “I’m _definitely_ sad. Maybe the saddest I’ve ever been. I don’t know why he hurt so much more than the rest.”

Yes, she did. But she wasn’t about to say that, even with the coke making her feel invincible.

“’Night, Chirrut, Baze. I’m going to bed.”

“Wait, Jyn!”

 _Click_.

Exhaustion swamped her, threatening to pull her under. Just before she succumbed to sleep, she made sure her phone was off. It would wake her up if anyone tried to call, and it could be tracked if it was on.

Not that Cassian would put forth the effort. He didn’t care. It was just a precaution.

 

* * *

 

The next morning, Jyn woke up and felt like death. Not even warmed over, because she was freezing.

It hadn’t snowed in the night, but the forecast called for it today and Jyn could feel that miserable bite in the air as soon as she regained consciousness and her eyes snapped open. She sat up, powering through the pounding ache in her head, and looked around.

Every muscle ached, and the city looked muted in the morning. Jyn decided she hated the view.

Memories of the night before rushed back, and she promptly turned over and threw up. It only took a few moments, but unfortunately her bad decisions weren’t so easy to get rid of.

God, she hadn’t even known that guy’s _name_. She’d just gotten high and fucked him without a second thought.

 _This is why Cassian left_ , a small, angry voice hissed in her mind, and she sighed. The voice was right. She was a fucking human disaster, and it was no wonder he filed first. Tried to ply her with disgusting clichés that made her want to vomit again. He was letting her down easy, trying not to reveal how fucked up she was. She found out, eventually. Deep down, she’d always known. She just thought Cassian loved her anyway. Turns out he just hadn’t seen it fast enough.

Groaning, Jyn turned on her phone. Her first thought was to apologize to Chirrut and Baze, but she was shocked when she saw _hundreds_ of calls and texts messages. Chirrut, Baze, Bodhi, Cassian, even _Kay_ had tried to contact her.

She didn’t want to know what they said. Whatever it was, it wouldn’t be anything she hadn’t already thought herself. Irresponsible, childish, immature, _what a fucking wreck_.

Instead, she texted Cassian and Kay with, _I’m alive_.

Bodhi got, _I’m alive. Back in town soon_.

Chirrut and Baze got, _I’m alive. Sorry about everything_.

Then, she turned her phone off again and stood up. Time to go back to the city and her empty, haunted apartment. It was new – no memories – but Jyn felt the spaces that were supposed to be filled by another person. They ached like phantom limbs.

_It gets worse before it gets better._

Jyn didn’t think she deserved better.

**Author's Note:**

> Wooooow what a ride, right? Let's all cry together!
> 
> Check me out on Tumblr (same name as here. I'm multi-fandom!), leave a kudo and comment and let me know what you thought!


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